Memories Suck

Was in a perfectly good mood today. I was bored from being stuck in my apartment again, but I’m used to that and it will end soon.

The moment I got my emergency tracheostomy isn’t the trauma that scared me the most. It was scary though. I was in the hospital for the flu and had a panic attack when I couldn’t breathe. I remember shitting and pissing myself, but then I blacked out. I woke up connected to a ventilator eventually. That freaked the hell out of me.

The traumatic event happened a few weeks later. I felt a lot of junk in my lungs and I needed a suction to get it out. I told the nurse that I needed a suction and she told me “No, your oxygen sat is 97% and you don’t need one” and she left the room. Now I know my body and knew I didn’t feel right. Moments later my sat started dropping rapidly. An alarm starts going off when you drop to around 90%. I dropped into the 80% range and still no nurse came. By the time the nurse came in I was under 70% and struggling to breathe. I thought I was going to die as I dropped into the 50% range before they finally started the suction. Eventually we got everything out and I was back in the upper 90′s.

It all happened so fast. I remember trying to get help and just seeing the nurse chatting away at the desk. After the craziness they tried to blame it on me. Say what? Then another nurse that wasn’t even around started backing the story of the nurse. I don’t even remember what they said because it was so obvious that they were just trying to cover their asses.

I never sued or anything because what was the point? The nurse was just a cunt and I spent 7 months between the hospital, rehab and nursing home. I didn’t need to add months in courtroom’s and lawyer offices. I don’t even know if I had a case, but considering they tried to cover their ass it’s fair to say they fucked up.

Today I wish I did sue. This happened 3 years ago and I’m still stressing about it. It still depresses me, because in that moment I thought I was going to die.